I love mornings, especially autumn’s. When I was still a young girl and living with my parents, my dad gently woke me up in the morning for school. The road to school passed through a street of wild chestnuts and I still remember that short walk and the wet autumn leaves underfoot. That part of my life is gone forever. My dad has been gone for 11 years, my mom has been for 21 years, and I have been living in England for 20 years. For the village where I grew up, I have little to do with it, because neither of my parents had roots there. But I'm not sad. Because I try and most often manage to look at life through the lens of what is gained, not lost. I live for today and look forward to what is to come tomorrow. Anyone who has lost a parent, especially if it happened unusually early in life, knows that grief never goes away. That grief for the loss of a parent lives in us and grows old with us and we just get used to it. My memories of my mother have a lot of sadness and pain, but also an infinite amount of serenity and love.
While sitting alone in a cafe next to work and writing this blog, I remember how my mother taught me not to feel uncomfortable going into a cafe or restaurant alone, drinking my coffee or having lunch alone. When I first left Croatia, I went to live alone in Italy. Being prepared before to not depend on whether I had company to go for coffee or dinner then helped me a lot. The way my mom taught me, the way I teach my daughter today. The same year I lost my mom irretrievably, I got my Sara. Sara will turn 21 this month and she has already moved out of the family home, but fortunately she is happy to keep returning. This summer she made me happy when she told me that she had a good time when she went into a cafe in Cambridge, drank hot chocolate and ate a croissant and felt comfortable even though she had no company.
I love the company of my friends, I look forward to the arrival of my daughter, and hopefully a visit from my brother too. But I also love my solitude. In them I turn to myself, my thoughts, dreams, desires, memories, happiness, and sorrows. And life is beautiful, and autumn mornings in a small English city where life unexpectedly brought me leave joy and serenity in my soul that never feels alone.
Love,
Kristina
Saturday, November 6th, 2021
Kad u duši nisi sam
Volim jutra, posebno jesenja. Kad sam još bila mlada djevojka i živjela sa roditeljima, tata me nježno budio ujutro za školu. Put do škole prolazio je kroz ulicu punu divljih kestena i još pamtim tu kratku šetnju i mokro jesenje lišće pod nogama. Taj dio mog života je nepovratno nestao. Mog tate nema već 11 godina, mame već 21 godinu, a ja već 20 godina živim u Engleskoj. Za selo u kojem sam odrasla me malo toga veže, jer niti jedno od mojih roditelja nije imalo korjene od tamo. No, nisam tužna, nastojim i najčešće uspijevam život gledati kroz objektiv dobivenog, a ne izgubljenog. Živim za danas i radujem se onom što dolazi sutra. Svatko tko je izgubio roditelje, posebno ako se to desilo neuobičajeno rano u životu, zna da tuga nikada ne nestaje. Ta tuga za gubitkom roditelja živi u nama i stari sa nama, na nju se naprosto naviknemo. Moja sjećanja na mamu imaju puno tuge i bola, ali i beskrajno puno vedrine I ljubavi.
Dok u kafiću pored posla sjedim sama i pišem ovaj blog prisjećam se kako me mama učila da se ne osjećam nelagodno ući u kafić ili restoran sama, popiti svoju kavu ili ručati sama. Kad sam prvi put otišla iz Hrvatske, otišla sam sama živjeti u Italiju. To što sam već prije bila pripremljena da ne ovisim o tome imam li društvo da bih otišla na kavu ili na večeru tada mi je puno pomoglo. Onako kako je mene učila moja mama, tako ja danas učim svoju kćer. Iste godine kad sam nepovratno izgubila mamu, dobila sam svoju Saru. Sara će ovaj mjesec navršiti 21 godinu i ona je odselila iz obiteljskog doma, ali u njega se srećom rado vraća. Ljetos me obradovala kad mi je rekla da joj je bilo lijepo kad je ušla u jedan kafić u Cambridgeu, popila toplu čokoladu i pojela kroasan i osjećala se ugodno, premda nije imala društvo.
Volim društvo svojih prijatelja, radujem se dolascima svoje kćeri i nadam se posjeti svog brata. No, volim i svoje samoće. U njima se okrećem sebi, svojim mislima, snovima, željama, sjećanjima, srećama i tugama. Život je lijep, a jesenja jutra u malom engleskom gradiću u koji me život neplanirano doveo ostavljaju radost i vedrinu na moju dušu koja se nikada ne osjeća sama.
S ljubavlju,
Kristina
Subota, 6. studenog 2021.
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